Clublife - August 2007
Author: Derinda Fullerton
Date: 27 Aug 2007
Category: Derinda Fullerton - Clublife
CLUBLIFE AUGUST 2007
Matches played: 0
State of marriage due to
badminton: Nothing to report
Hello
everybody! Sorry I haven’t written for a
while, but everything takes so much longer now that I am a VETERAN!! So far I am coping with being over 40, but it
could only take someone asking me to play for a vets team to trigger a violent
delayed reaction, so I shouldn’t speak too soon. I had a very nice birthday although the next
day I was in for a shock. Paul told me
that we would be going out in the afternoon and that I would have to be ready
by 2.30pm. I ate an enormous lunch and
wondered why he said, “I wouldn’t eat too much” once or twice. At 2pm he told me I would need to wear my
badminton kit, at which point I started to have a bad feeling about the
enormous lunch. We took a convoluted
route around Worcestershire and ended up at Barnt Green Sports Club where Simon
Archer was waiting to coach me for 2 hours! I was so mortified that I couldn’t hit the shuttle over the net for the
first 30 minutes. He then drilled me in
a selection of the things he could see I was doing wrong and made me play him
at singles for the last 15 minutes! After that I was like a big puddle of blancmange and had to be scooped
into the car and lowered into the bath at home into which I proceeded to drop
my mobile phone, having lost the use of most of my vital functions. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that I
could barely walk for the next 3 days. Having said all that, I must tell you that Simon was lovely and very
patient. It must have been a unique
experience for him to see an overweight middle aged woman lurching about on the
other side of the net. Let’s hope Paul
books something nice and relaxing for my 50th, like a parachute
jump.
The
end of last season was a whirlwind of meetings and AGMs. The Worcestershire AGM was a very stirring
occasion this year. We had a slide show,
several speeches, and a selection of crisps! Everyone was very positive and helpful and I came away feeling really
invigorated. Short of ending the meeting
by waving our arms in the air and singing “You’ll never walk alone” I fail to
see how it could have been more moving.
We
ended the juniors’ season with a parents and kids tournament. Everyone was put into teams which played each
other until we ended up with our final positions. It was lots of fun and it particularly
captured the imagination of the dads, many of whom had dug out their old green
flash for the occasion. During the medal
ceremony I felt compelled to sing the National Anthem. In fact I had to sing it twice as it took so
long to give them all out. I am
disappointed to report that someone put a tracksuit over my head during my
second performance. Jealousy is a
terrible thing.
Flicking
through “OK” or “Hello” magazine as one does when one is at the hairdressers, a
bolt of inspiration hit me with regard to fundraising for our long awaited
badminton centre in Worcestershire…..
IDEA
#7 – ADOPT A CELEBRITY AND FLEECE THEM FOR CASH
It
seems to me that most celebrities are completely barking mad. Take Victoria Beckham; she’s clearly decided
her legs are her best feature and is currently going round in what appear to be
her pants. Why doesn’t someone say to
her, “We know you’ve got lovely legs Posh, but don’t over-egg the pudding! You’ve got three children - put a pair of
trousers on for goodness sake! Less is
more! The trouble is, she is surrounded
by people who are paid to agree with her, so when Posh says, “I think I’ll go
out in my pants today”, they all say, “That is the most fantastic idea I’ve
ever heard! It’s ground-breaking!” So
they lose touch with reality. Which is
why I think it would be nice if I took one or two of them under my wing. I’ll probably start with Britney Spears. She can come and live with me, go to work at
my school, help run the Worcestershire junior county squad and come to Manor
club nights. I daresay I’ll have a few
teething problems with her, but after a couple of months she’ll thank me for
turning her life around and chances are she’ll offer to pay for a badminton centre
as a token of her appreciation.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * *
On
a similar note, I spend quite a few of my lucid moments thinking about how we
can increase the number of girls playing badminton in Worcestershire. As I have mentioned before, I think all club
members should be legally required to make their daughters play, but is there
anything else we can do I asked myself? And then it came to me - we should all become foster parents! I imagine there is a place on the application
form where you can specify what sort child you are interested in fostering and
that is your opportunity to put, “a girl of athletic build, who is light on her
feet and has good hand-eye co-ordination.” I’m amazed no-one’s thought of it before.
I
was very excited last term when an eight year old girl started at my school,
having just moved to
As
you already know, my ladies team was promoted to the Premier league this
season. I recently played with Rachel,
one of the girls we will be playing against next season. Good Lord! She played in the Commonwealth Games! I’ll be lucky if I get to serve! We’re going to need a miracle between now and the beginning of next
season! I decided that the least I could
do is get in shape, so I gave up chocolate during the last week of term. By lunchtime on the first day I was in a
terrible state. I had all the classic
withdrawal symptoms; pacing up and down the staffroom, dilated pupils,
uncontrollable shaking and profuse sweating. Sadly, I only lasted about a week. I’ve got as much willpower as Pete Doherty. To be fair, have you ever been in a school
staff room at the end of the summer term? Every surface is covered in chocolate from parents! I’m only human!
To
be perfectly honest with you, I am dreading playing premier ladies next
season. The team I’m dreading playing
most of all is Barnt Green. They’re
going to pulverise us! I can’t make my
mind up whether to book our matches against them for April so I can forget
about them for ages, or get them out of the way in September. What do you think? I certainly don’t want them popping up
unexpectedly in the in the middle of the season somewhere.
I’m
trotting off to the NIA in
You’ll
never guess who I bumped into the other week! Only Duncan Eades, occasional beard-wearer and member of XDC Badminton
Club! I’m sorry to tell you this girls,
but he recently got married. When he
told me that he went on honeymoon to
A
couple of weeks later…….
Hello
again! I have just returned from
Not
surprisingly, my postbag is bursting after such a long absence…..
Dear
Derinda,
In
your last edition, you suggested that I went through a period of dressing
“inappropriately for my age”. I take
great exception to your comments and would be grateful if you would keep your
thoughts to yourself in future. And, in
case you wondered, my teeth are my own.
Regards,
Carol
Vorderman.
CHEERIO!!!
